


Team Move the Fuck Out

by nautilicious



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: College Hockey, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Pining, Road Trips, Slice of Life, chosen family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 14:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4964110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nautilicious/pseuds/nautilicious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The great <a href="http://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/post/130088993149">Team Roach/Team Attic debate</a> goes on for a while.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Team Move the Fuck Out

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks go to the OMGChatPlease IRC channel members for the conversation that inspired this story, and to [bienenalster](http://bienenalster.tumblr.com) for the beta.
> 
> Faulksy and Gonzo come from Lexie's gorgeous fic [Odd Man Rush](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2839085). 
> 
> All hail Ngozi the Creator, who made an amazing world and lets us play there.

“Y’all’ve been going on about this since dinner,” Bitty says, though he knows it really won’t make any difference.

“You guys don’t live in a attic, you can’t even talk right now,” Ransom declares, and it doesn’t sound like a joke as much as a full-on smackdown. Rans gets wound a little tighter around playoffs—everyone does—and Bitty wonders if he should try and change the subject, if it’s stopped being funny. But there’s really nothing else to do on the bus.

“How big is the person?” Chowder asks. “Because you can step on a roach, but what if it’s a big scary dude and you’re, like, a little guy?”

Chowder looks earnest. Bitty wonders for a moment if Chowder is worried about _him_ in this hypothetical scenario, but no, that’s probably just Chowder’s general thoughtfulness. Bitty makes a note to make him some mini-pies anyway.

“You seen Fear Factor? Roaches don’t fuck around.”

“Team Attic,” Ollie says from behind Bitty. “Fuck roaches.”

“Roachfucker, gross, bro.”

“Don’t fuck a roach, roaches are unsanitary!”

“I’d rather be dead from some rando murderer than deal with a thousand roaches, not gonna lie,” Ollie says. “Fucker crawled out from behind my soap dish one time at summer camp and then it was like an avalanche of pervy roaches in there.”

“Bet you screamed like a girl.” Wicky’s grin is mocking, but Ollie doesn’t look embarrassed.

“Tell me you wouldn’t scream if a roach got near your junk?”

“Don’t say ‘girl scream’ like it’s an insult,” Lardo interrupts before Wicky can perjure himself. “Girl screams are a force of nature. Better than your barbaric yawps any day.”

Shitty leans over and whispers something to Jack and then smirks. It’s a hell of a smirk. Jack mutters something back, his expression a mix of embarrassment and amusement, and Bitty’s dying to know what they’re talking about.

“I can deal with roaches. Some crazy person up in the attic—“ Faulksy begins.

“No one said it was a crazy person. It could be a nice person,” Chowder points out. “Maybe you could make friends.”

“Or a hot girl,” Dex adds.

“No, no, it’s definitely not a hot girl, otherwise it doesn’t even make sense,” Holster says. “Who wouldn’t want a hot girl in their attic?”

Bitty has a split second to consider whether he wants to interject a Gay Teammate Awareness moment, because really, not everyone is into hot girls, but then he realizes that he wouldn’t mind a hot girl in his attic. She’d probably be able to talk intelligently about fashion, and dance as ferociously as Bitty, and share his perpetual horror about the state of the downstairs toilet.

“Hot girls can be creepers,” Gonzo says. Bitty hadn’t thought he was paying attention, but he’s put down his Nintendo DS for the first time all night.

Holtzer replies, “What a problem to have, though.” Gonzo picks up his DS again.

“You can smash a roach. Can’t smash a person,” Faulksy says.

“Can’t smash a thousand roaches, dude,” comes from the other side of the bus. Bitty thinks it’s Hardy, but the road noise makes it hard to be certain. “They’d smother you to death first.”

Bitty glances over at Jack. He’s just listening, the corner of his mouth quirked up. Bitty catches his eye. _These boys_ , Bitty thinks, and it seems like Jack reads his mind, because his answering smile is as fond as Bitty feels. It’s a ridiculous conversation, the kind that only seem to happen in the wee hours, or when the team is stuck on the bus, and Bitty loves it. He’s so glad he gets another two years of this, even if, well. Even if it won’t be the same.

“Like Jack said earlier, you should just get an exterminator. Then, no creepy person in the attic, and no roaches. Team Nobody.” That’s Wags, trying to logic his way out of the whole thing. It’s the kind of approach Bitty thinks Ransom would have taken if he hadn’t gotten invested in the debate. Wags probably wishes everyone would shut up so he can sleep.

“A THOUSAND ROACHES, dude! You can get an exterminator, sure, but it’s easier to get rid of a person.” That’s definitely Hardy. He’d sounded like he was Team Roach over dinner, so maybe he’s playing devil’s advocate now? Bitty has lost track of who’s winning.

“Yeah, I can punch a person easier than I can kill a thousand roaches,” Nursey says.

“Unless your punches are lame,” Dex mutters.

“I punch just fine,” Nursey snaps at him, and Bitty worries that he’s going to sock Dex just to prove it right then, but Dex shrugs and, for once, lets it go. Must be a playoff high; they’d played really well together.

“That many dead roaches, you’re gonna get roach corpses in your food and your shower and stuff.”

“That’d be your shower, Bitty, they’d just fall right down from the attic into your bathroom.”

Bitty shudders. “Thanks for that image, Wicky.”

Ollie punches Wicky in the arm. “Way to disrespect my trauma, man.”

Bitty reaches for his phone and Jack turns toward him at the motion. Jack still has that adorable half-smile, clearly amused but also somehow soft. He looks happy. Bitty decides he’d rather let this instance of team hilarity go untweeted than risk shifting Jack’s attention to chirping. That smile is worth preserving.

Bitty leaves the phone in his jacket. He’s not sure he could do the conversation justice anyway; it probably wouldn't make sense to someone who didn't experience it firsthand.

“Dead human, only one corpse, bury it in the yard, done.”

Ransom points an accusing finger at Hardy. “Fuck, man, no corpses in the yard.”

“Yeah, the Haus might get ghosts.” Holster elbows Ransom. 

"There's no such thing as ghosts," Ransom says, nearly reflexively at this point, "but the all the bio stuff that happens to corpses? Not something I want to be thinking about when I'm trying to sleep."

“I had rats as roommates one time,” Wicky throws in. “Exterminator got most of them, but this big one evaded all the traps and stuff. So we named him Stanley and left him alone. He was kind of a better roommate than the guys I lived with, actually.”

“I don’t like roaches, but I will not have a person in my attic.”

“Who’s gonna pay for that exterminator, anyway? I’ve been broke all year.”

“Fuckin’ set the house on fire.”

“Not if it’s the HAUS, dumbass.”

“You could move,” Lardo points out.

“They could follow you,” Dex shoots back. “Since they’re creepy enough to be living in your attic without permission.”

“Just ‘cause they’re a creeper doesn’t mean they’re gonna kill you. If they’re just hanging out up there watching Netflix or whatever then they probably won’t mess with you at all. Roaches’ll get in your food and stuff,” Nursey says.

“Dude! Roaches can survive a nuclear winter, you know? You get a thousand roaches up in there and they’ll outlive us all.”

Bitty can’t tell if it’s Ollie or Wicky that  says it, but from the back seats comes a heartfelt, horrified: “Holy shit, you guys—roaches _breed_.”

The bus goes silent as everyone imagines the kind of population explosion that would result from a thousand roaches breeding in one attic.

Lardo says, “That’s horrifying,” just as Bitty says, “Eww, oh my God,” and Chowder makes a small whimpering sound.

“Might have to change to Team Attic,” Dex says thoughtfully.

Things quiet down after that, though Bitty hears Wicky say, "...touch your junk even if it hadn't had a roach on it" before Ollie hits him again. Lardo leans her head onto Bitty’s shoulder and goes to sleep. Bitty wishes that he’d gotten to sit next to Jack, because then he’d have a totally legit excuse to snuggle into Jack in an of-course-it's-platonic, tired-teammate way. Jack probably would have let him, because Jack believes in the importance of a good night’s sleep the way Bitty believes in the healing power of pie.

On the other hand, Bitty doesn’t need the temptation. He shifts Lardo around until he’s got his arm around her and she rests against his chest. It's nice. She smells good, a little like pot but mostly like the incense she burns in her studio. Bitty lets his eyes half-close, watches the streetlights flash past. The murmurs of conversation and quiet laughter continue. He’s safe and warm and exactly where he wants to be, surrounded by most of his favorite people. The bus carries him towards the Haus, but he feels like he’s already home.


End file.
